I am unsure why these things happen to me. I am a good person. I go to work every day of the week, pay my bills for the most part, help the elderly, I am a great girlfriend, and I love my friends. I have not always been good at a lot. I didn’t excel in school. I was not captain of any sport’s team. I pretty much fuck everything up good in my life at some point. I guess what I am getting at is that the only thing I am good at, is making people laugh. People that know me might be reading this might be thinking, whoa, calm down, you’re not THAT funny. Let me reiterate. Weird shit (no pun intended) *KEEP READING FOR THE PUN* happens to me. Shit that doesn’t happen to anyone else. Shit that makes you think, why god, why mom, why was I born? For people’s entertainment? Is this some sort of sick joke? On top of it God decided to take this sick joke further and to crown me as a lesbian. A short lesbian at that. (That totally ruined a career in modeling for me.) Anyway, I am dedicating this blog to tell the world or whoever actually reads this, stories about weird shit that has happened in my life. I will change names of employment and I promise to try to not to forget to change any names to whomever these stories have affected. Other than that, I will tell the story as truthful as any honest lesbian would.
It was a typical day at work at um, let’s call it Big Dawg Publishing. Yes, a typical day at Big Dawg Publishing. I was working hard and minimizing Perez Hilton on my monitor every time the boss walked by. I sat in a very high traffic area which was super annoying. Every time I got to a good juicy article on Perez Hilton, I would hear someone coming up behind me, assume it was my boss, and have a mini heart attack trying to exit out of the article to not get caught. “Oh it was just Tarah walking to the restroom”. Did I mention I sat literally five feet from the woman’s and men’s restroom? What a “shitty” seat.
I was on my fifth bottle of water, and I finally had to go. No biggie. The bathroom is only five feet away. Awesome, no one is in here I thought to myself. How peaceful. It is nice to get some peace and quiet in such a chaotic office. The bathrooms in our office are brand new in the building. Our department got lucky and we get to sit in the brand new potion of the office building. Brand new toilets that should work amazing, fresh paint, and air fresheners and are timed to go off very so on to keep it smelling like a field of fucking daisies.
PLOP! Oh, wow I thought to myself. I thought I just had to pee. Well there was no stopping now. I am not a huge fan of doing this deed at any place other than the privacy of my own home, but nevertheless, I was comfortable and decided to take the plunge. After what felt like hours it was time to end this unexpected encounter with the toilet. Did I mention I was on a cleanse? You get the picture. Again, sorry for the details, but it is my job to tell this story exactly how it went down. I do know one thing that didn’t want to go down. I stood up and flushed the toilet. I was taken back by a WOOSH of air coming from the toilet. I at this point had my pants up, turned around, and saw a mortifying sight of EVERYTHING that had just happened, sitting at the top of the toilet bowl. “SHIT” I said, as I stared down at my own disgusting SHIT. Before I could realize what was happening, the automatic toilet flusher decided to take this fun little time a step further and flush again. Let me just tell you that it caused a dramatic scene. I have never seen anything like it. I watched everything from inside the toilet come crashing down onto the floor. TURDS WERE LITERALLY SURFING OVER THE TOLIET BOWL. I swear to god I saw two of them give each other a high five as they came s
urfing over. “Cowabunga dude”, I heard them say. I was mortified and I was dancing around trying not to step in this nonsense. I kicked the door of the stall open, water and “surfing turds” coming out from under the stall door at the speed of lightning.
No one was in the 10 stall (could be making up how many stalls, but it’s a lot) bathroom at the scene of the crime. I did what anyone would do. I ignored what was going on behind me, walked to the sink, and casually washed my hands. “This isn’t happening”, I thought to myself. The door of the bathroom swung open and one of my co-workers, who at the time just started, and didn’t know me very well, walked in. At this point turds have taken over the bathroom floor in a very disturbing river that she would have had to jump over to get to the stalls. “Don’t step in that”, I casually say while still washing my hands. She looked at me shocked, and quickly turned around to leave. “We should tell someone” I shouted. It was too late, she was already out the door running for her life. I would have too if I would have walked into this nonsense.
I had to face the office. Its fine, no one knows it was ME. I walked out and quickly was called over by my boss at the time, who also, sat right next to the restrooms. “Brandi, what is going on in there!?”.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about”, I stuttered around. Sweat is pouring from my face, and I look as guilty as a French Bull Dog who just ate their owner’s shoes. “Well *Samantha* just came out frantic because of what she just saw. I heard there is a situation in the bathroom. You just came from there, did you see it?” “Yeah I saw SOME sort of ‘situation’ going on.”
At this point I am a sweaty palm nervous mess. “Well Brandi I heard it is bad, can you send out a floor wide email to the department letting them know that the Woman’s Restroom is closed”. “Sure, sure I can do that” I say, panicking and wanting to just disappear. I get to my computer and quickly see that *Samantha* has already gotten to the director of the department about the issue, and there is an email already out. “Shit” I thought, “SHIT!”
I sat staring at my computer and fake typing. I couldn’t even focus with chatter around me of what was going on in the bathroom. Just sitting there like I didn’t know what was going on. Sitting there like no one would notice that I was bright red and literally at this point drenched in sweat. My friend Tabitha, I mean, Tasha, turned to me and could see that I was distraught. “What is wrong with you? Are you ok?” “I just want to go home” I say as I am about to burst into tears. She gave me a weird look like ok, I am too busy for this, and turned around.
I swear to god, for the next hour bathroom chaos was going on behind me. People so pissed that they can’t use the bathroom, someone going in because they didn’t realize it was closed and came out yelling that they stepped in shit, and watching our maintenance man look angry as a raging hornet going back and forth to the janitor’s closet with his bucket and mop. At one point I even felt guilty that he was cleaning my disgusting out of control surfing turds, that I turned around, and politely asked in concern, “How is it going in there”? He looked at me in disgust and he and his mop went back into the scene of the crime. No one that day knew it was me. I only did, and the few close works friends I had told. I learned later that week that someone had accidently flushed their badge down that same toilet weeks earlier.
I learned a lot about myself that day. I always try to take the bad, and make it into a learning experience like Bob Saget does in Full House. I learned that getting involved in a cleanse during work wasn’t the brightest idea, that I never would go that number in a public restroom again, if this ever happens again, skip washing hands, and get the hell out of there (I had hand sanitizer for god’s sake), and I learned that days like these were typical for me. I should just get used to it, accept it, and embrace it. This is my life. My name is Brandi, and I am a short, honest lesbian, who is here to grace the world for their entertainment.
